The Long Road Home to Here

WOW reading this i would like to report a Miracle. Yes.
In December, I was told that I had a chunk of money coming through my mother from my grandmother who had passed away more than a year previous. I had never expected anything like this to come out of the sky and i put that money aside to be a down payment for a house in Bozeman, out of the raft company basement where we had been living since 2003!
Wow! We started shopping around.
Lots happened in the first month including a newspaper article that was written about how we had laughable dreams of what we were going to get in this market for the money we were willing to spend. I used Law of Attraction to visualize my perfect house and i wrote a list of criteria i wanted the house to have. In-town, yard, with a character and spirit, and healthy in the bones...
We looked at many houses but nothing had the feeling. One day, after a house we had wanted went under contract - i got so frustrated. i had to do some magic! I asked for a dream. Please show me a dream that will help me get my love house.
I dreamed that night that i asked our lawyer, a trusted advisor, where to get river levels for the madison so i could go there. who should i call, Mr Gallik? Brian Gallik. He was there and he stood above me and said
"Sarah Vowell, Sarah Vowell, Sarah Vowell" over and over again.
i wrote her name down over and over again.
A few days later, we were looking at houses.
We saw a cute blue one that needed a lot of repairs. It was an antique. There were photos on the wall of Owen, the only grandchild. And Photos of Sarah and Amy as kids. And all Sarah Vowell's books. And the gunshop in the back that i heard about on this American Life a few years ago. Its all here
We bought the house.
We live here in Sarah Vowells house.




I have lead myself back to a place that was real in its virtual-ness that it lives as a part of me through other peoples lives that i remember and assimilate into the me that i perceive, obviously in a completely unique way
can we ever really understand each other or is it just me?

anxiety attack

i think i am suffering a drawn out anxiety attack. Life feels so stressful. Business is a struggle as i am confronted with these feelings of fear based on all the rat racing that we have to do to pay the bills. i hope for a home. and i know that is many years away but tears are filling my eyes as i write this and to be totally honest i just want my own home. and to have another baby.
but all our money went into this business that is not terribly lucrative. its supposed to be fun but i have been up since 4 am worrying and battling my husband and i feel so stresssed out and i just really dont want to care but i cant help it.
i cant help it, i hate that we are not doing enough ever to make our business powerful enough. that we are in over our heads.

its just better this way

there is a cacophony coming out of my itunes, reflecting the deep ass lung disease i have developed. I knew my lungs were weak, but i have been unable to give up smoking. until now. okay. i will not smoke today. despite how happy it makes me. despite the fact that it is my herbal prozac. i need to get my lungs back in shape so i can smoke as much as i want and still live to be a grandmother. did i mention that this habit is a one-ee a day? not a lot. just enough. enough to alter my mood and enough to turn a regular cold into certifiable lung disease. no i will not use the c word.
so its a boring day with no high-light.

nature trippin'

okaay, another half hour spent surfing around all the blogger profiles - i got into checking out people who are into "orthodoxy" and there was this chick who was into christianity, god all this orcthodoxy and ancient manuscripts and Kickboxing. I love it when i perceive an incongruity in these lists of people's interests. It's hilarious. and i found 2 people who are into "nature Trippin'" - hey just like me! And they are both from Phillippines. Has anyone else ever heard of Nature Trippin"? I love it!!

Dr Laura

Dr Laura, it's an honor to speak with you. Im a long time listener first time caller and i want your advice.
My sister
My husband
My girlfriend
My son...
And on it goes. It's the ultimate in "reality radio". Dr Laura is a wild diva of domesticity who was really out there today -
Today (and i try to catch her Every Day if i can...) Today she told
a young girl that it was not important for her to go to college because its just a big liberal wastoid party and nobody learns anything in college anymore. And that she should only go if it is necessary for her chosen profession. She RAILED on all colleges in America. She didnt mention Canada...Just railed on and on that its all about politically correct and feminism and men are marginalized (this is a big one for her)
That was pretty radical, lady! And even more radical was that i Sort of Agree with her, not totally, i actually believe that intellectualism, which thrives in academia, is actually very important to society but at the same time, i would never force my daughter to go to college, especially if she didnt want to and i believe that college can be a waste of time for some people, if they are not intellectually fascinated, which is surely A Lot of people
Dr Laura also advocates that women NEVer say No to a sexual come on from her husband. radical. and i thought, scary. What if i decided to never say no to my husband? i would be a sex slave. Dr laura, do you want me to be a sex slave? what if the baby cries? Dr Laura how long do i let the baby cry while I do my husband?
Dr Laura? I have wanted to call you ever since i started listening about 10 years ago. But i never really knew what to ask. At first, I wanted to argue with you and take you to the mat as a flaming single liberal feminist woman. But now i have a child and i am actually at home, listening to you as i care for my one year old girl. I feel your compassion for the defenceless childeren and i admire your advocacy work. But the unborn are just not children yet. Especially the ultra micro fetuses. They are fish. Just little fish. They are OUR fish, but we are in charge of choosing if they are meant to become children. That is a woman's choice. There are far too many unwanted children in the world.
And Dr Laura - although i didnt hear the whole letter, I heard that she was reading out a letter from a gay fan who lived her life to dr lauras rules to the t except for the gender part - and dr laura seemed really positive about this "responsible" gay woman. This was very cool because i was listening way back when dr laura was Super Homophobic. And now, shes realizing her position as a potential hero to the gay community a la tammy fae or dolly parton or other over the top ladies... Could dr laura ever become "fabulous" one day?

teeter had a fever

Teeter had a major fever last night. I couldn’t sleep. I stayed up because I felt like I had to listen to her breathing. To make sure it didn’t stop. Or to make sure that the fever didn’t make her go blind or paralysed. Im not sure if this is even possible but it sounds like something that happened in the old days. Last night, she was so sickee (we use sickee when we want attention or caring – its baby talk) last night, and at one point I had to change her diaper- not something that she is psyched about lately – and after we did that and I was carrying her back to our bed, she started mini-vomiting. And it scared the shit out of me, I know that a fever is not a big deal but a fever with vomiting starts to become a big deal – and there was the color red in the spit up – and I thought Oh God shes vomiting blood! But it turned out to be a micro piece of a skin of an apple. I just about had a heart attack over it. But all this is my fault! Its my fault that she’s sick. I brought her to that manky hotsprings when it was busy and I brought her up on campus that day. Now that was frightening. I hadn’t brought her up to KGLT for a long time. She was squirmy and needy and those days are over for a while. I didn’t get to listen to much music and only got to burn two CDs, only two… Gabin, “Mr Freedom” and Malcolm Kipe “Breakspiracy Theory”. Anyways, its really about Teebird and me, and how I let her crawl all around the studio and then put her hands in her mouth and sometimes you have to just let stuff happen and its good for the immune system and everything but then, I was leaving, and walking by the school newspaper and the headline said “Pertussis Outbreak on Campus” and I’ll be damned (literally) if I haven’t put off vaccinating her and what if Teebird gets pertussis (whooping cough!) from KGLT?

Failed Homebirth

I love the poetry making wild folk - making fairy houses and being wacky and weird but me, to feel real, I need to express this strange being that i am looking out from. We are all this connected goop hiding behind masks. The realness of masks is so intense.
I have a friend called Stephanie Campbell and she has so many masks and she is a shaman of masks. Her house is full of devotional hard ware and soft ware! It is all alive with beings that nestle in its branches. Its like Stephanie lives in this tree thing.
I labored with the birth of my daughter, Teebird, for 24 hours there before we went to the hospital and actually… maybe I feel like I am actually too uptight in a way, too conditioned to cut loose and have a home birth, not relaxed enough, not “evolved”enough! So I couldn’t get into natural labor and had to be induced in the hospital but now I see that I I was too uptight and now I feel like I should be in the hospital if I go for #2…? Because, I wasnt really at Home, I was at Stephanie's house on new years eve of last year.
Teeter Teebird Twyla Anna Celestial Zell was born on Jan 1 - new years baby!! healthy at the hospital..a magical child with angelic angel fur all over her 7 pound body -oooh what a treasure!!
But we could not be at home because too far from the hospital and so we went to stephs...

kitty and clarence show

This is about my brotherinlaw - Tom
I can’t tell you what a hunk he used to be. The most gorgeous young man. Inside and out. And now, 20 years into working as a career man at Xerox, he has lost it. The sparkle is gone. The muscle tan is gone. He is a ghost of himself.
This tale is so heart renching and we are in the middle of it. Will Tom and family move to Bozeman in the next few months? Will he come to work with his brother bill on the whitewater rafting company ? or will he continue to build up his millions out of fear of ...
What about whatshisname-whatchamacallit uhhh uhh oh Iron John! Robert Bly. I cant bear to read all through the Blagh Blagh Blagh cerebral guy junk but the spirit of it seems to say to me that every man is born with a wild man persona that his mother or other women usually, try to tame and subdue. But man’s wholeness will never be known until he reclaims this banished part of himself and becomes Wild! Its so exciting really, I’m all for it! So many men lose their beauty because they are chasing the Wrong Rainbow and they have no glow – they have lost the sparkle in their eyes and everything else is impossible except making money, the only thing they were mainly concerned with doing. They were basically addressing their own poverty bullshit to make them go faster and faster in the hamster wheel of this life. And I know that my beautiful brotherinlaw is not alone. He is not the only one!
But here we are. The rich people are moving in. And this next 4 is our family! HA HA HA! There is so much soap with this family, I have to admit I gossip about it all the time. And talk about it on the radio.
Oh yeah, the radio.
Kitty and Clarence SHooooooooWWWWWWW
A shout out to all KGLT k-gallatin 91.9 in Bozeman, 89.5 in Livingston, …..something something in Helena.

blogs and blogging

I've been sorta kicking around on the ol dial up and i cant believe the whole universe of blogs and blogging. Heres one that i really thought was Fun!

http://www.livejournal.com/interests.bml?int=being+stupid

Rotary Club, Sports, Survival, Veggie Car, Freds Diner

Kadosh kadosh kadosh adonai sabbaoth.
Today is Alisa Allgood’s birthday. She is someone you know, She is one of those people that know everyone. She’s single, in her 30’s and she has this incredible social energy. But she’s like this childless supermom. She is a total betty. She is an accomplished raft guide – Grand Canyon Guidess and she makes appearances on rivers all over the west. She is our favorite Betty Guide.
She dresses up like a betty mom (like curls her hair up at the ends and puts light pink lipstick on and little skirts, I swear) and she does all these fundraisers and goes to the rotary club meetings (I thought rotary was all old men, like fat, white old men that are just trying to get away from their families and so they have these charity events once in a while to hide the fact that they are just sitting around, drinking and talking about sports – but its not, because chicks are there too- hot Betty Chicks! So get down there!)
Professional sports. Like sports is this thing that people WATCH instead of something that people DO. Everything that is originally our birthright – playing sports, singing, dancing, doing art – these things are relegated to the professionals as we “grow up”. And suddenly no ones having fun anymore, just working really hard to “get ahead” or “survive” as my husband says. And then you take some time to play or make art and its like oooh- must be nice! Some people have to work for a living! A living! That means shitloads of insurance and lawyers to watch your
Survive? I am sitting here at my working computer –(because I bet they have a shitload of busted ones in other countries), next to my working space heater, under a fairly good roof that we even had de-molded so we don’t get any mold diseases – im sitting here in my “free” time expressing myself with the intent to post it on the internet. Of all things! Granted, I do feel the pain of dial-up and right now, my 88 dodge caravan is on her last legs. This is a sad thing. Me, who is ParaNoiD about garbage, about throwing anything out – anything at all- I will soon create the largest piece of garbage of my lifetime- second only to the old vw rabbit diesel rabbit that my husband (future husband at the time) blew the engine of – at 3 am in the middle of wyoming goddammit in 1996? I loved that little car. Green Bean I called her – and could have really BEEN something – I mean she could have E v O L v E d into the Veggie car she was born to be. She could have run on French fry grease from Fred’s Castle Rock in and Retro Diner 2 miles down from our place. She could have BEEN something!
Fred’s is the coolest. Fred has this place that is the last original 1950’s trailer park and fishing camp – down the road (yes, I live in the sticks! Actually it’s a canyon, so I live in the Rocks. It Rocks!) But Fred has the same menu, almost the same prices, the same carpet (yuck!), the same milkshake maker, the same dishes and kitchen gear, the same everything from when he bought the place in the 50’s. I have to do a whole post on Fred.

Kitty's Personal Journey

This is a space where i can honestly share my perceptions of my life journey - thoughts about people, politics, relationships and junk that i think about. It is an online journal and I will practice being as honest as possible, So that i can RANT and make you laugh!